The Real Me

This year has been an experience. A huge part of that experience has been my weight loss. I am within 5 pounds of having lost 100 pounds! I started Weight Watchers the second week in January of this year, and I hope that I will have lost 100 pounds by the second week of January 2011. A hundred pounds lost in a year...I can't even imagine.

Me after losing almost 100 pounds

The other day some of my family members dug out pictures of me from last Christmas. They are heartbreaking to look at. I joked that I couldn't believe they let me out in public looking like that, but in reality I only see how miserable I was. There's not many pictures of me around because I wouldn't let people take pictures. I refused to even really look at myself in the mirror, choosing instead to use only a small hand mirror to put on my make-up in the morning. I hated everything about the way I looked and felt.

As I looked at those pictures and reflected back on my life for the last 8-10 years of being over-weight, I began to realize that losing all that weight has allowed me to be who I really am.  Thinking back, I realize now that I felt as if I was wearing a fat suit and that I should be able to just take it off whenever I wanted. It never seemed real that I weighed so much, that I looked so big. In my mind and in my dreams, I was still average sized. It was a shock every time I saw myself in a photo or a mirror.

People who know me have commented on how my attitude has changed with the weight loss. I am happier and it shows. It has helped me out in my relationships and at work.

I'm often heard to say, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels." This is so true because feeling thin is so much different that I ever thought it would be (or remembered it being) when I was fat. Knowing that I look better is only half of why being thin feels good. Attitude is the other half. I am just an all around happier person, and I think it is because I can now be the person I really was on the inside. I don't have to feel like the real me is being hidden under layers of fat and giant clothes that are meant to try to hide how fat I really was.

I'm not done; I still have over 30 pounds to lose, but the big change has already happened. I can be me now; I feel as if others can now see the real me.

If you are overweight and are unhappy with how you look and feel, then I encourage you to finally make the decision to make a permanent life-style change for the better because NOTHING tastes as good as being thin feels!

Single Saturday #10 - "Boyfriend" Clothes

At this point, I've lost 90 pounds. Although I've gotten rid of most of my old clothes, however, there are still a few things I've kept around. One of my favorite articles of clothing is my old 3X hoodie. It's now huge on me and I've been wearing it a lot lately.  As I was wearing it around the house the other day, I got to thinking about how girls often wear their boyfriend's shirts, hoodies, etc.

At 6 foot tall, there really hasn't been much chance for me to wear an oversized shirt or hoodie that belonged to a boyfriend. I remember having an old sweatshirt of a former boyfriend's, but even that fit just right (he was skinny and only 2 inches taller than me). Wearing my hoodie from my "fat days" is as close as I will ever get to lounging around the house in my boyfriend's clothes that are big and baggy on me. Even if I were to have a boyfriend, his clothes would not be too big for me...

So here's to all you small and average sized girls who can date and marry guys that wear larger sized clothes than you; I envy you. I will just have to settle for wearing my "fat clothes".

75 Pounds Lost!

So excited to have finally reached my 75 pound mark! It has been 8 months, so I'm losing at a pretty good rate. I am hoping to reach 100 by the end of the year (by Christmas would be awesome), or at least by the second week in January.  That will mean I have lost 100 lbs in a year.  I believe it is totally doable.

In my meeting yesterday I talked about my ultimate goal.  My ultimate goal is to be happy about my body for the first time in my life.  Sure, I was skinny (normal) in high school, but I didn't know it. I thought I was fat, when really I was just tall.  My friends were just over 5 foot and wearing size 4 jeans; my mom was constantly watching and judging what I ate. I had a terrible body image, which I believe is part of why I gained so much weight.  Since I thought I was fat, what was one more pound?  One more pound eventually became over 100 more pounds.

When I was young, I had an unrealistic idea of what my body was supposed to look like. Today, I am more realistic.  When I reach my goal weight, I will believe I will be happy with my body for the first time in my life.  It won't be perfect, and I will still probably be trying to shape and sculpt, but I will no longer see myself as the fat girl. I can't wait for that day...

Single Saturday #5 - Maybe I'm Worth It

As I continue to reshape my body by losing weight I have started to see dating as a possibility again. I have become used to being single, and I have even managed to convince myself that I'm happy being single. To some degree it is true that I'm happy being single.  There are so many things that I can do as a single woman that would be much harder if I had someone living with me. Sole control of the remote, popcorn for supper (more likely pita bread and hummus), I can leave a mess in the living room for a few days and no one will see it, etc.

The more weight I lose, however, the more I come to realize that I haven't felt like I deserve to date someone while overweight. Even more than that, I can't imagine anyone that I would find attractive, would want to date someone who is overweight. I'm not attracted to overweight guys, why would any man be attracted to an overweight woman?  This has really gotten me thinking about why I am single; was it a choice?

I've never been the type of person who likes to put themselves out there.  In school, I never wanted my friends to know which guy I was crushing on at the time.  I always felt that if they knew, something would go wrong. Maybe they would tell him I liked him; if he didn't like me, that would be disastrous.  I was also afraid that they would constantly be watching me to see how I would react when around my crush.  It just wasn't worth it my mind.  Needless to say, I never told guys I liked them.  Since then I've always said that I'm happy the way I am, but if God wants to send me a guy, I'm good with that too.

There was also that constant belief that no guy would think I was pretty enough or interesting enough to date.  I don't think I've ever really thought that.  I wrote a post once where I had a picture of me in high school, and I still can't believe that I thought guys wouldn't find me attractive.  Besides believing I was overweight, I also had a lot of insecurities about being taller than most of the guys.  Today that wouldn't be an issue; girls are allowed to be tall, but in the mid 90s, I was a freak, and I sure didn't think guys would want to date me.

I struggle with the same issues today, but now I really am overweight...plus I'm getting to the point where most guys my age are already married.  There's no way I will ever find a guy who wants me, so instead I "choose" to remain single.  I don't even try, because I said before: no guy I would want, would want me as I am...

Maybe I will eventually feel worth it.  Maybe I never will.  Odds are I will never put myself out there either way.