Saturday, September 11, 2010
As I continue to reshape my body by losing weight I have started to see dating as a possibility again. I have become used to being single, and I have even managed to convince myself that I'm happy being single. To some degree it is true that I'm happy being single. There are so many things that I can do as a single woman that would be much harder if I had someone living with me. Sole control of the remote, popcorn for supper (more likely pita bread and hummus), I can leave a mess in the living room for a few days and no one will see it, etc.
The more weight I lose, however, the more I come to realize that I haven't felt like I deserve to date someone while overweight. Even more than that, I can't imagine anyone that I would find attractive, would want to date someone who is overweight. I'm not attracted to overweight guys, why would any man be attracted to an overweight woman? This has really gotten me thinking about why I am single; was it a choice?
I've never been the type of person who likes to put themselves out there. In school, I never wanted my friends to know which guy I was crushing on at the time. I always felt that if they knew, something would go wrong. Maybe they would tell him I liked him; if he didn't like me, that would be disastrous. I was also afraid that they would constantly be watching me to see how I would react when around my crush. It just wasn't worth it my mind. Needless to say, I never told guys I liked them. Since then I've always said that I'm happy the way I am, but if God wants to send me a guy, I'm good with that too.
There was also that constant belief that no guy would think I was pretty enough or interesting enough to date. I don't think I've ever really thought that. I wrote a post once where I had a picture of me in high school, and I still can't believe that I thought guys wouldn't find me attractive. Besides believing I was overweight, I also had a lot of insecurities about being taller than most of the guys. Today that wouldn't be an issue; girls are allowed to be tall, but in the mid 90s, I was a freak, and I sure didn't think guys would want to date me.
I struggle with the same issues today, but now I really am overweight...plus I'm getting to the point where most guys my age are already married. There's no way I will ever find a guy who wants me, so instead I "choose" to remain single. I don't even try, because I said before: no guy I would want, would want me as I am...
Maybe I will eventually feel worth it. Maybe I never will. Odds are I will never put myself out there either way.